My name is Michael James Allen.  Don’t worry; It won’t be long before you’ve forgotten it and soon it will be a distant memory of a past they may have existed; or was it a name that you’ve heard of a TV show?

When my parents were married

I think it is important to mention the past; before I was born.  Without the past, you will not understand the present and looking into the future would be like looking at the sun and trying to comprehend the almost unlimited power that it possesses.

My parents were married in 1969.  My mother had only visited this country for a holiday.  Six weeks later, she was already married to my father.  I remember my mother telling me that my father took her home to his parents after they got married and his mother told him to "get that nigger out this house.  I always found the funny, especially as a couple of years later, the same women completely changed her attitude towards my mother when I was born.

My parents had no interest in having children, until on day the doctor told my mother that she was infertile.  All of a sudden, she wanted a child.  I found that to be funny and it just proved one thing, that there is a fine line between the behaviour of a child and an adult.  Her behaviour was more like a child, who wanted a toy but had been refused, than an adult.

So she was alone in a foreign country, with no chance of children and had been complaining about the cold weather.  Ultimately; something would happen that would change her life.

The birth of a son

The time is 6:30 AM; the date is the 9^th of June, 1972.  It was on a Friday that something special happened to my parents and would be the best and the worst thing to ever happen to them.

To explain the worst; I need to go back a few weeks before my birth.  As my parents went to see their specialists who would help her give birth, they had some bad news to tell her.  The doctor told them that her unborn son, would only have six weeks to live and he would be a quadriplegic if he survived.  Of course, my mother was upset and didn’t know what to say or do. 

When I was born, there weren’t any doctors around and the only person available was a trainee nurse.  Being untrained and nervous, she crushed my skull with the forceps that were used at the time and caused a blood clot in the brain.  No one knew this at the time but they soon did.

About six months later, I started to convulse and freaked my parents out.  They had no idea why it was happening or what they should do.  Luckily for them and me, the doctors had found the problems and prescribed me some drugs to thin the blood clot, and hopefully remove the scarring of the brain that was found at the time.  The hospital suddenly lost all the records of my birth and the first six months of my life.    You would have thought that they would have sued them but, that wasn’t as common an occurrence back then as it is today. 

So the doctors had prevented me turning into a quadriplegic but, I was still having convulsions and the doctors needed to deal with this new problem.  They gave me medication for the control of the convulsions but the side effect was that I had brittle Asthma.  I wouldn’t learn the meaning of this type of asthma I had for another thirty years.

In the early year I have a contorted frame and had to do exercises to breath properly and also had to work on my upper torso.  The purpose of the exercises was to allow me to breath easier.  I used to suffer regularly from convulsions and luckily most them occurred in my sleep.  I used to sleep walk and before you ask, my mother told me, so I'll just have to take her word for it.

I was a quiet child

I was a quiet child and never made much noise.  My father said that he would come to check on me and I would be just looking up at the mobile that they had hung up above the bed, not saying anything.

My mother’s friend was called Georgian Field and she would ask my mother: “Is there something wrong with your son?  He doesn’t say a lot.”  My mother knew that I was a quiet baby and would become a shy child.    I don’t recall anything bad ever happening to me as a child and my parents were always loving and caring.

I lead a charmed life as a child and really should have died on a few occasions.  One day I came running into the room and tried to stop but, the rug beneath me continued to move under its own momentum.  I slid for a few yards, straight through a plate glass window.

Another time, I was jumping on my mother’s bed when, I slipped and hit the metal edge of the bed with my head.  Blood started pouring out of a cut above my eye.  When my mother had come to see what all the commotions was all about, my face was covered in blood and she thought that I had lost an eye.  You can imagine the relief that she felt when she realised that it was just a tiny little cut above my eye.

My mother wanted me to stay in my bedroom and she tied those reins (people used to stop their children from running away) to a window in my bedroom.   I tried to look out of the window and lost my footing.  I fell out and the reins caught me around my neck.  So there I was; hanging by my neck and a passer by said to my mother:  “Do you know that your son is hanging out of the upstairs window by his neck?”  I probably aged my mother another ten years in the short period of time that I had graced the Earth with my presence.

I remember another friend of my mothers called Lily Wooding and I would call her auntie out of respect.  I adored her and loved to visit her as often as I could.  She had three children:  Shirley, Jennifer and I don’t remember the name of her son but, they were the nicest family that I have ever met.  I used to play in her garden and had lots of fun.

The birth of another

It was one mid June in 1975, when my sister Michelle was born.  My parents were very imaginative with names.   I mean; come on!  You picked the French for Michael, for my sister’s name?  For some reason, I didn’t like her and I was found trying to flush her down the toilet.  My mother said that I didn’t want her and I was trying to send her back.  I was a jealous child and didn’t like the fact that this girl had taken their attention away from me.  I refused to let my sister sit in my pram and both of us had to sit in the pram at once.

I remember one occasion where a local driver who never showed any concern for the public came screeching around the corner and had to brake suddenly.  My mother ran out to see the man jus repeating "oh god, oh god, oh god," whist pointing under the car.  My sister crawled out from under the car and said "hello mummy!"  My mother, petrified started to smack my sister and told her never to go out into to road again.  I always thought that her reaction was a little strange.  It was my sister who was in the wrong but the driver of the car and he should have got the beating and not my sister.  I would have voiced my opinion but I probably would have been smacked as well, so I kept my mouth shut.

The family move to London in 1979 and I went to a school called Mulgrave.  I quite enjoyed my time there and I remember one occasion that I thought was funny and I hope you do too.  In the off period at school when the children were off, the school had a club for the children to go and play.  Not everyone was working back then and couldn't afford to go on holiday.  So they let their children go to this club to keep them quiet and also to give themselves some peace and quiet.  One day, some boy a lot bigger than myself were play Frisbee with a hula hoop.  I got caught smack in the centre of my for head and knocked off my feet.  The boys hadn't  done this on purpose and ran over to find out if I was OK.  I remember mumbling something them and and when I got home being interrogated my my mother.  "How did you get that mark," my mother demanded from me.  "I fell over" I said.  "Tell me the truth" she replied.  So I told her that truth and was dragged back to school.  I wonder why I never spoke about all the bad things that happened in my life to her afterwards. 

I was brought up as a Jehovah’s Witness and found the experience to be boring and nothing more than a form of control.  They would say things like:  “You should wait until you’re married, before you have sex.”  “Believe in Jehovah and you will be saved.”  I later learned that this organisation did not follow the same rules that they expected their flock to follow.  The problem was that I believed what they had told me, or maybe I was too afraid to contradict them and be cast out into the world, as they put it.

That is in part why I have never had a real girlfriend or got married and at the age of thirty seven, I think my chances of ever finding love have long since evaporated and what is left is this sexless freak that you see before you today.

It’s funning how things look so much bigger when you’re young.  I remember going to the fair and watching my mother and her friends going on the rides. The rides looked massive when you’re about five and I would never go on some of the larger rides.  I used to imagine something happening and me dying.  It didn’t help; that one day, her friend became been very sick, and was bringing up blood.  That was enough for me to be put off fairground rides for life.

Another time, we went to a farm, where my sister had a pony.  The horse’s mouth looked massive and it looked like it would eat my entire arm.  The lady that ran the place gave me a piece of apple and told me to feed the horse.  No way, I thought to myself.  Have you seen the size of the horse’s mouth?  I eventually relented and put my hand out flat like she had told me, and expected to see it removed from my arm but; the horse just carefully picked the apple up with its tongue and ate it.  I felt like I was going to wet myself.

I always remember the visits we made to London.  I was scared out of my wits, whenever we had to use the London Underground.  The escalators looked like they were half a mile long and they went straight down at a ninety degree angle.  I used to psyche myself up to use them.  I remember telling myself to calm down and relax.  I would hold onto my fathers hand like my life depended on it and I never let go.   I used to close my eyes all the way to the bottom of the escalators.

All that glitters is not gold

I remember at the age of about eight, my mother left me with a child minder that my sister used to stay with.  I was only there for a day but it changed my view of women for the rest of my life.  Up until that point, I was always told that girls were sweet, innocent and would never do anything wrong; unlike boys!  On that single occasion that I was left there, I was accused of turning on a stereo.

Now the accusation was trivial but it opened up my mind to the truth and the truth was, that girls could not be trusted.  That is how I felt then and distanced myself from them.  If they couldn’t be trusted, then why would I want to listen to the garbage that they spouted?   With hindsight, I probably was just as bad as them but I was never the same again.

My mother must have known that something was up because she never left me with the child minder again.

The last days at my primary school life

I remember on one occasion I went into the boys toilets and beat up this boy.  I had to see the head mistress and she ask me "why did you beat up that boy?"  The question was reasonable but in reality I didn't know why I did beat him up.  I replied "I don't know."  Maybe a had suppressed some pent up anger from a past falling out but to this day I have no logical explaination for my action back then.

I remember in the last days of my primary school years; I was going to be moved to a school called Hawthorne Cottage.  This school was for children with special needs.  Before I left; the school and the class had arranged a surprise party for me.  I had no idea what was going to happen.  My teacher told me that she needed to see me.   I thought to myself, what have I done now? 

She took me to the classroom and turned on the lights.  The whole class was there and they said:  “Surprise!”  At that moment, I was too choked up to say anything, and a river of tears behind my eyelids was desperately trying to burst forward and shower everyone with tears.  That was the happiest I had ever been up to that point in my life and would prove to be nothing more than a blip in the scheme of things.

The Isle of Wight

When I moved to Hawthorne Cottage, I still had one more year to do at primary school.  I was invited to go to visit the Isle of Wight.  I found the place to be rather boring.  The teachers wanted to show us the local attractions, but I just wanted to go and play the arcade games in the amusement park.  Whilst on holiday, the children had to share a room and I shared my room with two brothers, who were a lot older than me.  Well; one night of the boys wanted to show me a game that required me to drop my pants, if you know what I mean, but I didn’t like the sound of it, so I didn’t.  When I told my parents when I got home, I was never allowed to go on a school trip ever again.

These are the early years of a fortunate child named Michael James Allen.  Remember them well; lest his misfortune should happen to you!